Re: the urge to purge
I've taken a nap again this afternoon, even though I said it was something I would not do anymore. I was just tired after work, and drifted into sleep without knowing, like I always do.
Now I'm here at my desk, I should be studying but instead I was reading some blog posts. I look around at my room and feel like throwing away everything, making a blank slate out of it. I read Little Joe's Notes' post titled The Urge to Purge, and to answer their question: yes, I do feel like getting rid of everything I own.
My room isn't that cluttered either, but I do live with four cats, so keeping it clean daily is essential. That is why sometimes I think that the less things I own the easier to clean. So, I get the urge to throw away everything, even the useful things I own, even the things I like, even those that hold memories. But, I've already downsized so much that there isn't really anything else to "get out".
But, they are right: is just a consequence of life feeling out of control. In my case, is not my room that is cluttered but it is my life itself. Too many things to do, and still I feel like I don't accomplish anything. I know it is not true, but it feels like it, and that's why I get mad at myself for wasting time with a nap. Manipulating my environment, as written in their post, will not change anything, although it does feel good in the moment: to have control over something.
Sometimes, when things get too overwhelming and just looking at my room's walls puts me in a heavy mood, I just take the car and go away. Near or far it does not matter, I just remove myself from here and that helps a lot. If I did not feel guilty about leaving my dear cats alone, I would spend even less time at home.
Next semester I will be leaving to study abroad. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that, when I come back, I will see my room with different eyes. That, after living without all these objects for six months I will immediately know what is really important and what is not. Who knows? I just hope to change, like I always do.